Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Greatest Movie Idea Ever!

Within minutes of the news that Osama bin Laden had met his end, word began filtering that various Hollywood directors and studios were contemplating movies about the event. So let me stake my claim right here. Because most of what I've head, while probably terrific movie ideas, miss the mark of how totally awesome this movie could be.

The secret of making a great action/adventure movie is to mix a lot of seemingly disparate contemporary topics together into one steamy bouillabaisse of non-stop ass-kickery. So what do we have to work with?

The raid took place on the first day of May, just a few months after the Japanese earthquake tragedy and nuclear incident. Osama was buried at sea within 24 hours. And of course, May is Zombie Awareness Month.

Working title:

"Zombie bin Laden"

No, that's not good enough. Try this:


MUCH better! It practically writes itself! Tori and I batted it around last night and came up with the whole story. She shares writing credit. It doesn't even need a pitch! Just the title ought to get us a development deal with any of the major studios and a seven-figure contract to write, direct and possibly star in the movie!

Here's how I see it. The movie begins aboard the ship, where Osama's body is tossed overboard with little ceremony and a few snide remarks from the SEALS. Down it sinks into the depths – where it settles into an eddy of water contaminated by the Japanese nuclear plant accident (this can all be explained later by the hot babe scientist, without which no self-respecting sci-fi/horror film can be made.) We see the corpse's eye blink open – glowing red!

He's underwater, of course, so he begins walking. Where is he headed? We find out five months later, when New York City is about to mark the 10th anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks. It's Sept. 11, of course! Two of New York's finest are leaning against a railing down by the river. One makes a comment about that bastard bin Laden celebrating this anniversary in hell. Which is when all hell breaks loose! Starting with the Staten Island ferry being thrown from the water, where it demolishes the pier where the two police officers were standing!

The mutant, radioactive zombie Osama bin Laden (boy, that was fun just to type!) now 50-feet tall, comes striding out of the water, wreaking havoc. He ought to have laser eyes too, because those are always cool.

What follows is the usual scenes of devastation, with the U.S. military unable to stop the mutant mullah, who leaves a path of devastation in his wake.

In the secret underground government command bunker, the hot babe scientist explains to the president that there is no force on earth that can equal the combined powers of radiation, zombie, religious fervor and laser eyeballs. "I'm afraid the earth is doomed," she says.

But the president, played by Denzel Washington or at least Will Smith, knows there's still one thing he can try. His vice president, played by Wilford Brimley, tries to dissuade him. "You can't do it, sir!" But the president replies, "Yes, I can."

President Obama flies himself to "Area 51," where he orders the scientists to bombard his own body with alien radiation. The result, of course, is a mutant, 50-foot-tall Obama. He lacks laser eyes or zealotry, but he more than makes up for it with his love of country and rippling, CGI-enhanced pecs. The two colossal forces finally clash at the edge of the Grand Canyon. (Why there? Haven't you ever seen it? It's very cool.) Zombie bin Laden has the upper hand, it looks as if this is the end. But with everyone in the country watching on TV and chanting "USA! USA! USA! USA!" so loud that it echoes off the very mountains like some super-patriotic mantra that inspires him, the 50-foot-tall commander in chief is able to wrap his massive biceps around his foe. Realizing that he can't defeat Zombie bin Laden but that he can take him with him, the president throws the two of them over the edge, and they topple to the depths of the canyon.

There is silence. The camera lingers on the edge of the canyon for the obligatory 12 seconds. It's over, but at what cost?

And then, a single hand reaches up over the rim! It's the president! He's alive!!

The nation (and the theater audiences) explode with cheers! (and money rains down on the write/director. I'm actually putting that in my contract. I want a rain of money!)

Now here's where I'm not sure about the story. We'll have to film it both ways and test it.

Either the president is still super sized but a grateful nation remodels the White House to accommodate him, OR he has returned to normal size, but retains the ability to become giant sized again whenever the nation needs him.

Admit it. You're jealous of me. This is such a surefire, blockbuster summer hit of a movie that it can't fail. And by can't fail, I of course mean "can't fail to make Tori and me rich!"

See you on the red carpet!